Who Am I?

This may seem like either a straight forward or even silly question.  Ultimately, I am currently grappling with this question...Who am I?

I have had the opportunity to meet a couple of new women in my short time thus far being single following my divorce.  In the last couple of weeks, I have been able to meet and go out with a couple of women and this is an open question...who am I when we meet?  Who am I when they ask about what I am doing with life and work? Who am I in the potential relationship?

I am in a process of learning about who I am on my own after a long-term relationship.  I have been thinking about this a lot lately as I really need to continue this journey before I jump too deep into a new relationship. 

So who am I?

Here are some things I describe myself as:
- Educated
- Quiet/shy
- Independent
- Adventurous

Here are some things that I enjoy doing:
- Traveling
- Trying new beers
- Sunsets
- Museums 

While I know about these, I will continue to ponder and develop a better sense of who I really am in the next few weeks and months as I explore my new life on the east coast. 

Memorials (5/23)

Earlier this week on my birthday, I took a stroll through a couple of the memorials in Washington DC and I have made a few other trips earlier this year. 

This is Memorial Day weekend and living in the DC region, this is even more prominent and front of mind than it has been at other times in my life.  The visits I have made to all of the memorials that I have visited this year, have been relatively quick trips, though they provided a contemplative time for me during each visit. 

During the first two years that I lived in Seattle, I lived about 2 blocks from a large cemetery and in particular the military portion of the cemetery.  I used to take our dogs for walks around that section of the cemetery almost daily for several months and was able to take in the very peaceful atmosphere.  This atmosphere is very present in military cemeteries as the nearly identical plain white markers arranged in such an organized fashion enhance this environment and I feel that it is very conducive to reflection. 

While I have commuted past Arlington National Cemetery numerous times this year and been able to fly over the cemetery multiple times this year, I have yet to visit.  This national cemetery is a place that will be very present in my thoughts this week with all of the activity taking place there. 

I will also commit to visiting Arlington before the end of June.  I know that when I visit, I will have an incredible opportunity to immerse myself within the environment and will take a great deal of care to reflect on the sacrifices that our service men and women have made and continue to make. 

Reflected Self

One year ago, I was able to perform an exercise called the Reflected Best Self that had a pretty profound impact on me at that time.  In this exercise, you request feedback from 10-20 people that you know and they share 1-3 examples of when you were at your best in their eyes and how you contribute value as a person and in relation to the respondents. 

This year, I have been reminded of this exercise as I have classmates who are taking the same course that I took last spring.  I have been able to give feedback to a couple of people and feel that it has been a great experience to provide this to others, knowing how impactful it was for me to receive similar feedback just one year ago. 

Today, in response to one of these reflected best self pieces of feedback that I gave to a friend of mine in my grad program, I received a wonderful piece of unsolicited feedback from them as well. This person that gave me the feedback, is one of the more perceptive and thoughtful people I know and I really value this feedback. 

Having received this feedback I am going to be more conscious of what they shared and I will be a better peer and friend because of it. 

I will be sharing the Reflected Best Self exercise further with friends, colleagues and family in the future so that others can receive the benefits and perspectives that this exercise provides. 

Birthdays (5/20)

My birthday was today and it got me too think about years in the past and what I have or have not done to celebrate. I also began thinking about what it means each time I travel around the sun.

I don't tend to do much for my birthday each year or any year in general. This year I went for a morning visit to some of the memorials along the shore of the Tidal Basin before going in to work. 

In many of my past years,  I have also worked on my birthday as with this year. One memorable birthday was when I turned 18 and was working at Toddy's. When I got off work, I purchased some frosting and a box of cake mix and went home to bake a cake.  I dug out a cake pan from my childhood...a Care Bears cake pan.  I then baked and frosted my birthday cake. 

This is more illustrative of my individual nature than anything. 

This year I visited a couple of Alexandria pubs before heading home. 

So not to bore with memories only, I have also thought about the meaning of passing the time during each year of my life. Some thoughts were around what life would be like if time was measured differently, such as shorter "years" or longer on other planets. I also thought a bit about how our international date line impacts what day it is and what day is my birthday depending on where I am in the world. 

I don't have any significant further thoughts but this isn't a blog for my deepest thoughts, mote to get me thinking rather than more idly passing each day of my life...each year!

Smell the Grass

This week, I have been a bit occupied about my yard and needing to mow the grass, after two weeks traveling it really grew and needs to be cut.  Even with that preoccupation, I have yet to mow.  I have also considered purchasing a new mower, which I really do need for my fenced yard, yet I have still haven't placed an order. 

Back to that in a moment...

Last night as well as the last several days since I returned, there have been daily afternoon, evening and late night thunderstorms in the area.  This is great for my grass to grow even more...but more importantly for this story, it has really raised the humidity in the area and in my house.

So back to smelling the grass.  After a reasonable commute (at least reasonable by my new DC standards) this morning, I opened my drivers side window about a block before I arrived at my office.  For that block, I pass by a large grassy city park and the sun had risen high enough to start putting some heat and soli light onto the grass.  This brought out a smell, that I am sure I have smelled many times in the last 20 years, though the memory that was immediately brought to mind was from the summer of 1996.

In the summer of 1996, I spent a month living with a family and playing soccer in Santa Cruz, Bolivia.  During this summer, even though technically it was Southern Hemisphere winter, it was quite warm and humid in the lower lands of Bolivia and still quite close to the equator, especially compared to everywhere in the US.  During this time in Bolivia, I rarely played on fields of lush grass, let alone much grass at all, yet there was a smell of grass and humidity.  That smell and those experiences in Bolivia are now tied so closely in my mind that even after a couple of decades, I can be transported back in time instantaneously.

Today, taking those few moments to smell the grass, led me to a series of great memories of a very profound and impactful period of my life.  I hope I get to "smell the grass" many more times this summer as I adjust to my new region...and I will eventually mow the grass at my house!

Introductions...

A recent feature on Facebook that reminds you about moments and postings from 1-several years before on the current date.  I have begun to view some of these postings and remember those past times.  This got me thinking about this day in the history of Jed. 

This is probably one of the most consequential dates in my history, but what is the reason for this? It is two days prior to my birthday...not the reason.  It is the anniversary of the Mt. St. Helens eruption...nope. 

This is the day that I met my ex-wife 7 years ago. 

Serendipitous encounters that lead to significant live events are very thought provoking and in particular today has been a very introspective day. 

I think back to what was going on in my life at that time and what I am doing in life now.  Both times are/were chaotic with a great deal of change going on.  I was in the process of changing jobs within an organization in 2008, I was having some significant personal changes in life and I was beginning to open some doors into a world of engagement with relationships.  I was also just under 6 months away from making a huge move from Colorado to Seattle.

Fast forward 7 years, I am still transitioning in a new job and less than 6 months after another significant move from Seattle to Washington DC.  I am transitioning through a period of significant personal change in life around separation and divorce.  I am also beginning to reopen some doors into the new 2015 version of engagement with relationships. 

Introductions, first impressions, first memories...days like these when such events occur...for every year after definitely bring up many thoughts and emotions. 

Laundry Day (Sunday 5/17)

After traveling for two weeks I returned home late last week. This left me short on clothes...very short on some necessary pieces of clean clothing!!!

In this predicament, which I haven't had for a couple of years, as I am good at keeping up on my laundry tasks, I was thinking about a few times when I was shortest on clean clothing. 

The times that stuck out the most are when I was in Africa, in particular Sudan, Ethiopia and Zanzibar when I had to wash my clothes in bathroom sinks with a bar of soap.  Doing this was quite an experience after having had a clothes washer for my entire life.  The dirt and grime that was in the clothes at that time was very ground in and difficult to get out. 

I wasn't just thinking about the task and how difficult it was compared to the modern automated washing I was accustomed to.  I was also thinking about the time that I had to set aside and what I was able to do with that time.  There was quite a bit of time involved and then the hang drying of the clothes in some cases in very humid environments took quite a while.  During this washing and drying time, I was also the least connected to the world electronically.  This occurred before I ever had a cell phone, there was little or no internet access at these locations and no TV. 

Over the last month or so, I haven't been able to use my clothes washer in my house without devoting time and effort to the wash either.  I can still use it though I have a plumbing drainage problem that overflows during the washing.  Since this occurs, I have the clothes washer drain into a 5-gallon bucket, which I have to empty 2-3 times during the 45 minute cycle.  This means I have to stay near the washer and I have time to pass. 

Just as when I was in Africa, the time that I was passing is mostly passed with thought during this current washing situation I have.  I generally try to do some school reading and sit in the laundry room near the washer to ensure that the bucket doesn't overflow. 

It is strange to come so far from those remote locations in Africa to now be in a major metropolitan area with technology and modern plumbing, yet still have the symmetry of time devoted to thought, reading and learning and escape some of the ever-connectedness technological world that we live in. 

Look at Me!

No, I am not on a mission to capture your attention just because I would like attention.  Rather, I am going to briefly share about how I look at myself from an introspective view.  I spent some time yesterday and today thinking about some of the actions I take that then inform my emotions and further actions.

One thing that comes to mind pretty quickly is that I can be an angry driver in traffic.  As I have had pointed out to me in the past, I get worked up about very little at times.  Now thinking about and looking at this a little more closely, I have been able to notice some of my physiological reactions such as elevated pulse and blood pressure.  Neither of these is something that I would like to have occur so I can continue to identify when I am working myself up and attempt to pull back on that in order to have a happier and healthier existence.

Another item that I have been aware of in the past, though I now have a new way of understanding it is when I communicate directly with others.  When I say directly, I mean direct in a sometimes blunt manner. I am confident in my thought so I communicate with this same confidence, though I sound as though I may be unwilling to change my mind or dialogue with people.  This is something that will be especially valuable to keep in mind in the future as I do prefer a dialogue and discussion with others, though I don't necessarily get there due to the nature of my communication style.

There are literally dozens of areas that I can look at much more critically about myself and how I go about my life.  I will keep working on these two specific examples though and take on new areas of my life in the future. 

Contrails... (Wednesday 5/13)

Contrails....what?  Why would I be thinking or writing about contrails during this mindfulness exercise?  Well earlier this week I was on the patio of a restaurant in Huntington Beach and I watched a contrail drift and spread slowly while I relaxed and watched while having an appetizer and I ended up taking a picture of the contrail.

Today as I flew across the country from Los Angeles to Washington DC I was able to see a few of the contrails up close.

This wasn't terribly profound, though it reminded me of times that I have spent looking up at the sky from when I was a kid to when I was traveling in Africa and I was even reminded of a friend of mine that has posted pictures of clouds on Facebook that she thought looked like shapes.  Most recently she posted a photo with a cloud that she thought looked like a headless Superman flying through the sky.

All in all this just was another opportunity to be sure to take in the world around me in many novel ways that get me out of the monotony or daily grind. Hopefully this has done that foot you too!

WWII History (Sunday 5/10)

On Sunday I penned a post that the blogger app then glitched on and never posted.  It was also unable to recover it so I am attempting a rewrite of that post.

This post is focused on being mindful and remembering WWII. On Sunday, I visited the USS Iowa battleship in the San Pedro section of Los Angeles harbor. It was an incredible self guided tour of this museum ship and on a clear perfect sunny southern California day.

I learned many things about the Iowa and the multiple times that she was mothballed and then brought back into action over the years.  Actually the Iowa is the second Battleship I have seen this year, the other was the USS Alabama in Mobile as I drove across the country this winter.

Additionally on Saturday while I was flying out of Midway airport in Chicago I visited a small museum exhibit about the Battle of Midway during WWII. The airport got its name from that battle. This exhibit was very well done and I will revisit it this summer the next time I go to Chicago!

This year I have also visited the WWII memorial on the National Mall in Washington DC twice. I have also visited the National Air and Space museum and the Udvar-Hazy center at Dulles airport where I have seen other historic WWII aircraft such as the B-29 Enola Gay,  which dropped the first nuclear bomb. 

In the evening on Sunday there was also a pair of flyovers in Orange County along the beach.  There was a B-17 and a B-25 that passed twice.  This reminded me that since I was in Chicago last week I wasn't able to witness the historic aircraft flyover at the National Mall in DC in remembrance of the 70th anniversary of the end of WWII in Europe.

So in the end Sunday was a day to experince, visit, see, hear and remember WWII.

Delay...and Catchup

So I have been having a couple of technical glitches...though I have still been spending time on mindfulness activities each day.  Since I am behind and will catch up on posts today I thought the title was appropriate.

Going further, I thought that I could spend a bit of time on how I have been behind in the past and how I can overcome those types of experiences in the future.

Some of the most important times that I have been delayed and needed to catchup have been while I was traveling. Despite evidence to the contrary this isn't a travel or memoir blog but I try to be conscientious about these posts and do some critical reflection too. Have I digressed far enough?

OK, here we go again.  The time I want to share about that I was really badly delayed was when I went to Woodstock 99 in New York. On the way back the car I was driving had a series of mechanical issues and malfunctions leaving me and my travel mates stranded...delayed...in lower Ontario in Canada. Through this time I was getting further behind rather than catching up.  Some of this came from missed shifts at work and also from the giant paycheck loan I took from my employer that was over 5 times a full 2 week paycheck at that time.  So as far as catching up went, I had to get back to Colorado and also pay back a loan.  The getting back to Colorado was an eventful great worthy of a real travel blog posting so I won't go into that here but it took nearly a week and greatly expanded my confidence in traveling and in being able to overcome almost anything I encounter. The loan took a while longer but less than 6 months later that was in the past too...despite nearly no help from my other travelers even for their direct expenses covered. This also made me feel that my independence was an important personality characteristic...there is probably a future post about that though.

I learned a lot about myself during that trip and about my resiliency and thus this post qualifies for this blog endeavor.  So in the end this was me being delayed and catching up...more posts to come today and this weekend.

No Repeats!

Tonight for my mindfulness exercise I am visiting a place in Huntington Beach for the second time on this trip. I usually only visit places once if possible since I like to try new things.  But in all fairness when I visited this restaurant last night it was my first time ever here. 

Some notable places that I have repeated in the past and would do again include the list below.

Field Museum in Chicago
John Hancock Center in Chicago
Navy Pier in Chicago
8oz Burger Bar in Seattle
Lunchbox Laboratory in Seattle
Shaved Duck in St. Louis
City Museum in St. Louis
Blue Jacket in Washington DC
Tortilla Marissa's in Fort Collins
Cafe Vino in Fort Collins
Luxor Temple in Luxor Egypt

There are others just not many overall in my many travels or places I have lived.

It is always good to think about and evaluate what you do and why from time to time. Each time I visit a new place I have decisions but those are the same with repeat visits as well just with the complication of whether to repeat anything!

Sunsets

I have frequently enjoyed watching sunsets.  Some of the best I have ever seem have been with great friends while having a sundowner.

This evening as I sit and eat in the sunset glow over Huntington Beach, California I am remembering a few of those times.

In Africa when I left the group with Dan, Heather and Pete, we finished several evenings in Ethiopia on our own with a few beers and a sunset. In fact, we hatched or plan to go to Axum and Lalibela by plane while having a sundowner.

This evening I am also reminded of the summer sunsets over the Olympic mountains that I watched from my porch or Alki Beach in Seattle.

Growing up in Colorado the sunsets over the front range mountains including Longs Peak were often magical!

There is something to the sunset and one over the ocean is even more interesting too...looking for the green flash

Riding the Rails

Right this moment I am riding on the Chicago purple line elevated "L" train.  I have ridden each of the L train lines in Chicago before and today I will be on three different color lines...purple, red, and orange.

Though this is just for an hour or so that I will be riding and transferring on my way to the airport, I am reminded of the lengthy nearly 24 hour long train ride I took from Cairo to Aswan in Egypt.

That train in Egypt, even though we had "first class" tickets, was in such a state that even the Chicago red line trains look clean, tidy and safe.

Now to my mindfulness rather than just reminiscing. I recall how much each member of our group in Egypt had to help others even while lugging around up to 100 pounds of belongings.  We had to keep each other and our belongings safe and generally together in the massive crowds in particular at the Cairo station.

In doing this as a group in our first few days together we were able to set the tone for a collective approach for the next four months together.

As with many of the more challenging obstacles we were to face as a group, the way we cared for and assisted each other even while we were exhausted or frustrated with another of our travel mates, our general cohesiveness shone through. This set the tone for much of our continued bond these many years later.

Watching the World Pass By

Today I have been thinking about times when I was able to take a breath and sit back to just watch the world pass by.

One of my favorite times that came to mind was in Luxor, Egypt. After a very busy and trying few weeks traveling around Egypt we had arrived in Luxor for the second time. During this time, which was about 4 days while we waited for truck repairs, we weren't running from site to site. We had a few chances to get outside of where we were staying, though it was also nice to just relax within the complex we were camping at.  But it is hard to see the world passing by if you are within 4 walls.

On one occasion, Pete (a fellow traveler on the trip) and I went on a walk to find a streetside cafe to get a beer and relax at.  We found a place with outdoor seating and on a secondary street that still had regular traffic. As we took a bit of a timeout and enjoyed the beer we had a chat and watched the world passing along the street in front of us.

I frequently think about times I have had like this, though I am not very good at dedicating time to do this.  With that said this is an area that I can spend a bit more time on in the future.

Friendly in Long Beach

Last evening, I wasn't able to post for the day due to low battery... :-(

Though, what I had spent time thinking about was how in December of 2014, while I was in southern California for work and a few days of personal time, I was able to connect with friends that I hadn't seen in over 6 years.  Ryan and Abbi had moved to the LA area a few years prior and even though I had traveled to LA and Orange County several times since they had moved, I hadn't been able to connect. 

During the evening last night, I sent Ryan a few texts and seeing if I could ask a huge favor...to stay at his house this upcoming weekend when I go to LA/Orange County and need a place to stay after I arrive late into the airport. 

He was very nice and obliging and said Yes.  This was a good help to my stress around my upcoming trip as options have been decreasing by the day as the travel dates came closer. 

I am now looking forward to visiting Ryan and Abbi again even though just very briefly over night.

Evanston Walks

This week, I have been thinking along my walks to and from the Northwestern University campus, restaurants and the airbnb that I am staying at. 

What have I been thinking about?

I have been thinking specifically about previous walks that I have taken while coming on campus for my intensive sessions each quarter for the last 18 months. 

My first walk was from my hotel to the waterfront of Lake Michigan, this walk was frigid because of the polar vortex that was in full force.  The high temperature on that day was about 5 degrees F. I was happy to have my down coat with me, though my legs were only protected by a pair of jeans...brrr.

I have had a couple of great walks and talks with another MSLOC student (Suzanne) as an escort walk for her back to her hotel after dark.  These talks have ranged pretty widely on topics. 

During an intensive, we took a class walk and narrated tour from one of my professors.

Today, I took a stroll between buildings that I hadn't been to or around before.

During the walk today, I was thinking about what to post for my MIM post so there you go.

Solo...figure it out!

I am frequently a solo person and find a lot of peace (and quiet) in being by myself.  In fact the last couple of weekends I have spent entire weekends inside my home and not even gone to the mailbox.  Before I go too far off topic I will get back to the point.

I have traveled extensively by myself over the years and doing so, I have had to "figure it out" no matter what "it" is in a given trip.  So many examples come to mind in Africa but today I will share briefly about my side trip from Hong Kong to Macau in China. This trip was on the
trail end of my Africa trip though. While I was in Hong Kong I decided to tale the jetfoil boat to Macau to visit the casinos and some historic sites.

This required a lot of in the moment "figuring out" with sailing schedules, tickets, finding my way on foot in Macau and incorporating new ideas of what a casino is like while exploring.  In particular at the end of the day after walking more than 20 miles and being in Macau for about 13 hours, I still had to sail back to Hong Kong and get back to my hotel.

Tonight as I walked around Evanston, IL I was thinking about that night in Macau when I was exhausted mentally and physically yet had to "figure out" how to make it back to the hotel.

Centering Talk in Kenya

In late December of 2006, just after Christmas I was traveling through Western Kenya with my overland group.  We spent the night in a campsite outside the town of Eldoret. It was a very rainy day while we were driving and likewise was raining when we arrived just at dusk. We setup our tents in the rain and dark but there were also a few rooms for rent.  My friends Dan and Heather ended up renting one of those rooms.

I don't remember the rotation of group duties that night though I remember that I was not involved in the cooking for the group. Rather, I had visited Dan and Heather in their room for a chat.  We had all been suffering through difficulties with our tour company and had many discussions over the previous weeks.  This evening we didn't talk about that though, at least not exclusively.

While we were talking we ended up talking about a number of topics, though I can't remember specifics.  What I do remember, even now 9 years later, is that during and after the talk how much more releived I felt having been able to talk to people more openly.  There were few secrets between members of the trip since we were together 24 hours a day for several months but when you could talk about things even contentious or frustrating things and come away releived it was definitely a very good thing.

Washington DC with Jessie

In January of 2005 I was able to take my youngest sister to visit our nation's Capitol, Washington DC for the first time.  Now just over 10 years later, I have moved to the DMV (District/Maryland/Virginia) region. 

I have been so busy this year buying a house, traveling for work and school, and getting settled that I haven't been able to visit some of the attractions that Jessie and I were able to visit 10 years ago.

I have established some new favorite locations and was able to go to a few places with my Dad when he came with me on my cross-country drive in January.  Even with those experiences, I am still remembering walking around DC in the cold of January with the city setting up for the presidential inauguration. 

One place that is at the top of my list to revisit is the International Spy Museum. This was one of the most fun places I have ever visited and it was great having Jessie with me.

Now that it is spring and will soon be summer I hope to get out and visit more places in the city and also in the countryside as well!

Chicago with Nate & Cortney

As I prepare to visit Chicago again tomorrow, I am reminded of the first time that I visited the Windy City.  In 2002, I was taking my first flight in over 5 years, I was getting to see my best friend (Cortney) for the first time since she had moved to southern Illinois  and I was rekindling my sense of adventure.  In the previous 2 years before this trip, I had been traveling to Las Vegas frequently (9 times for about 60 total days) and I was ready to begin exploring the world again and doing new things. 

The reason I was visiting Chicago rather than where Nate & Cortney lived in Carbondale, Illinois at the other end of the state was because I knew that they both wanted to attend the Sculpture, Objects and Functional Art (SOFA) show that is held each fall in Chicago.

On this trip I was able to do some firsts like riding the L elevated trains and visit many attractions that have become places I visit on many of my Chicago trips.  In addition to the SOFA show that I then attended each year from 2002-2005 with Cortney and Nate, at the Navy Pier, I went to the observation deck of the John Hancock tower and tried a few restaurants that I have since been to multiple times. 

A standout moment from that first trip was going on the SeaDog speedboat sightseeing tour.  This was the beginning of November and it was not much above freezing temps and we decided to go for the ride.  We then sat at the front of the boat and luckily were able to wrap ourselves in wool blankets but still froze ourselves pretty silly on the ride. 

Every time I was able to visit Cortney and Nate in Chicago, St. Louis, Memphis and Carbondale over the next 10 years was a great and recharging experience for me and it all started with this first trip to Chicago. 

Beginning tomorrow, this will be my 13th time to Chicago in the last 13 years since that first trip in 2002.  I will be visiting at least a couple more times this year and next year as well.  Most of my recent trips, I have actually been spending more time outside of the city in Evanston at my grad school classes at Northwestern University.

Mindfulness...Why Mindfulness

I have had a great group of friends and family over the years and one person in particular seems to influence me at times in my life that I either need to be influenced or that I am most ready to be influenced. 

The most important thing is that this person ALWAYS influences me for the best and in the most positive way. 

This May, I will be spending a few minutes each day reflecting on my life and times I have spent with some of the people who have influenced me in this same positive way. 

Thank you Emma, you are always an inspiration!

Earlier this year, I came across this infographic about mindfulness in the workplace. I have been looking at how to incorporate this into my work environment and will continue through this very Mindful May!